Thanksgiving food rankings!
That’s right, this post is one of those! Are you looking for insight or wisdom? Look elsewhere, friend. Are you looking for structure or intention? Bad news. But it’s thanksgiving, we all have enough to digest without worrying about having to digest my thoughts.
Now here is a list of Thanksgiving foods and my opinions of them.
Turkey – It’s called turkey day, so this one is a no brainer. Turkeys have perhaps the most disgusting faces of anything in the animal kingdom. Turkey is good, I guess, but it is also more likely than not the most boring thing on your plate.
Mashed Potatoes – Now we’re talking! Mashed potatoes are good. They’re potatoes! Butter! Salt! Are you kidding me? Mashed potatoes also get the distinct honor of being the number one leftover. What’s that? You find leftover mashed potatoes gross? I might have said that, too, if not for the single greatest black Friday breakfast, Cheesy Mashed Potato Waffles.
Stuffing – Undisputed king of Thanksgiving. Show me a plate of stuffing, and I’ll show you an empty plate. I mourn when there is no more leftover stuffing. Double batch that baby, and now we’re talking!
Ham – What? Why is this on the list? Get out of here with your, “Christmas or Easter dish that needs to learn its place.”
Green Bean Casserole – I can’t say I have strong feelings either way about some GBC, it’s fine. It is a vegetable, yet somehow still filled with dairy, so it gets points for that. The real item on this list should be those crispy French onions. I would eat that with a spoon if you put it in front of me.
Bread – Rolls, sliced bread, biscuits, whatever. This is a red herring. Don’t fall for it. Bread is good, but you’re just wasting your time.
Brussels Sprouts – I really don’t have an idea what a standard veggie for Thanksgiving is, but I’m putting brussels sprouts here because they’re awesome. I avoided them for so long because everyone joked about them being gross. I feel betrayed. The only thing about brussels sprouts that I can’t stand is that you have to add an “s” after “brussel.” Brussel sprouts. It’s just easier to say.
Miscellaneous Veggies – All good. But if you’re going to have healthy stuff at the table, then it needs to bring it’s A-game. A good parsnip can stand up to turkey in a fight as long as it’s done right. Commit to vegetables or throw them out. Anything else just makes me feel guilty about not eating them.
Gravy – The phrase “gravy boat” is a cruel misnomer. If you want to call it a gravy boat, then I should find it in the garage. And please fill a boat with gravy. Because it’s the most important thing on a thanksgiving table. Add gravy to almost any thanksgiving food and it automatically jumps up five points. Gravy is so good that it even makes the bread worthwhile.
Cranberry Sauce – I can’t render a verdict until there’s an agreement of what cranberry sauce actually is. Everybody’s got their opinions. Sad story – in my younger years (though still an adult), I was responsible for buying the cranberries. I bought them in the same way that I bought any fruits; you check to see which are the ripest. I picked a beautiful bag of cranberries, soft and squishy, but not too soft as to be gross. GUESS WHAT? That’s not how you want to pick cranberries!
Sweet Potatoes – I like them, but are you serious? If you have marshmallow on something you can’t serve it next to my beautiful stuffing. Perhaps the only thing that tastes worse than gravy. It should be in the dessert list, except it would be the worst dessert.
Lightning round! Desserts!
Sweet Potatoes – Stop it.
Pumpkin Pie – On a pie scale 4/10. On a general, “Do I want to eat it scale?” 7/10.
Apple Pie – Never unwelcome. It doesn’t have the highest ceiling, but it certainly has the highest floor.
Apple Crisp – I’m sorry, are you saying that instead of bland crust you put butter and brown sugar on top? The existence of apple crisp makes me wonder about the purpose of apple pie (I’ll still eat the pie).
Pecan Pie – Save the best for last. If my entire thanksgiving was just stuffing with gravy, and pecan pie, it would still be one of my favorite meals.
There you have it. That’s the list. I’m sure I left things off the list (sweet potato pie is just pumpkin pie with a different name. Don’t fact check this.), but everything that is not on the list can be attributed to either ignorance or laziness. You have to understand that I’m writing this with thanksgiving coming up and I’ve only got so much time.
Peace,
Jeff
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